I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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