Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
