I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
