Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
