dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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