i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
