first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
