He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
