I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
