I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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