ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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