Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I did not marry a roomba.
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