and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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