I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
