Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
