I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
