I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
