I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
