Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
