so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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