also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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