Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
