I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
