You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
