The maid of honor just puked.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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