boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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