Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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