pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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