I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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