look no pants
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
