you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
