i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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