This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
as a side note pls kill me
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