An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
FUCK WHALES
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