I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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