so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
