good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
