We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
