My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Damn victory sex feels great
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
