Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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