the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize