Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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