Just cropdusted the office
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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