wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Someone shattered a urinal.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
