You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
