Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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