I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
