just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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