If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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