sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
