I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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