thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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