Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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