I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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