I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
