Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
