I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
