Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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