yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
