The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
