This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
