you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Acid is not a monday night drug
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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