I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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