You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
